Getting engaged was pretty thrilling and something you want to share with everyone you know. Old friends, people at work, extended family. But what happens when you have to limit your guest list because of budget or other reasons? How do you tell someone you’ve invited to your wedding, or who assumes he or she will be invited, no?
Sure, it’s disappointing not to have as many people celebrating with you as you’d like. So, first acknowledge the loss. It’s ok to take the BMW for a quick ride around the block -that’s Bitch, Whine and Moan-to paraphrase Dr. Pamela Peeke. (Watch for my review of the book, AdaptAbility by MJ Ryan soon) You’ll feel better and gather emotional strength for what comes next.
Next, put on the right headset. No, not ear plugs, although they’ll probably be handy at some point. When I say headset I mean your perception of a person, event or circumstances. You can actually change your feelings, and consequently your thoughts, when you change your headset.
I can imagine a bride, maybe you, saying something like, ” Oh, I feel horrible that we can’t have everyone at our wedding. My family will be mad or hurt.” Change the headset and it becomes ‘I feel excited that there are so many people who want to give us their support and love as we plan our wedding.
A bright idea.
Now, here comes the Bride Power part. With your new headset- people want to love and support us- reframe the conversation. You can easily figure out ways for prospective guests show their support for a tough situation. Couple of examples that come to mind for me:
- Offer an invitation to the ceremony only
- Host a wedding video viewing party
- Plan a ‘Welcome Home from your Honeymoon’ get-together
OK, I hear you saying, But how can I say you’re not invited? I’ll be mortified. Yeah, that’s a possibility, isn’t it. Here’s the thing: feelings pass. Your friend might initially be a little pissed off. You may feel anxious about your friendship. But once each of you consider what’s being said- I trust you enough to ask for your help- and the reason, things will be fine.
Tune into your headset again to find the words. You could say something like this:
I’m so excited and wish we could have everyone we want to attend. You’re happy for us, and such a good friend, could I ask for a special favor? Would you help us trim our guest list by coming to our Video View Extravaganza instead of the wedding? We’d really appreciate it and it’ll be great time. Thanks so much.
These words are only an example. Use your own words to be authentic. You’ll want to practice this a few time, preferably in the mirror, until you feel comfortable saying it. The point is to be honest, sensitive and open.
What happens if the person is hurt or angry with you. It happens. We’ll talk more about that in a future post, but for now, reassure the person you empathize their feelings (empathy doesn’t mean you agree) and ask to talk again at another time.
Oh, and I’d love to have you as my guest in my very first Bride Power Summit.
