Leafing through the November/December issue of Brides Magazine, I came across an interesting article about moms behaving badly. Hasn’t that phrase gotten a lot of play? ‘Men Behaving Badly’ begat women behaving badly, then celebrities and now, moms. I’m sure there’s even a ‘grooms behaving badly’ post or blog out there somewhere. You can probably tell I’m not a fan of behaving badly. What might surprise you is what I consider behaving badly.
More on that later. What I really wanted to talk about was the article. While I appreciate Brides magazine for tackling the topic, I’m, well, disappointed in the advice offered. You can find it yourself (sorry-no direct link available) but in case you don’t find it, I’ll give you the skinny.
Right from the start, the article has a fairly negative tone, although the humor takes the edge off a bit. The writer implies that mothers are ‘the evil’ brides must overcome when engaged then outlines five types of ‘momzillas’: the bully, the snob, the diva, the craftsmeister, the cold fish. A bevy of psychologists offer their thoughts and suggestions on how to neutralize dear mom’s contributions. I came away feeling sad, and really eager to share a different perspective. I fully realize some people aren’t going to agree with my ideas and I welcome that. Tell me what you think. After all, as long as we’re having meaningful dialogue, it’s all good.
She’s Your Mama!
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d ever be quoting ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’, the Bravo show that’s my guilty pleasure. ( I watch in the gal salon to spare my hubby 
) But Kandi Burruss captured the attitude I think brides should strive for while wedding planning, ‘She’s my mama!‘ Your mama deserves respect and understanding because she is the woman who brought you into this world and who invested her life into yours.
What bothered me most about the article was the real disregard for the moms. Read the article lead in: She means well (probably) but her antics have the potential to sabotage your wedding- and your sanity
Does this sound warm or caring to you? I am a mom, so maybe I’m biased. But I notice that MOBs are the center of a lot of complaints, especially in the wedding communities. Somehow, all the vitriol doesn’t seem entirely deserved. While I don’t know you or your mom personally, I can say she’s not the bully, the snob, the diva, craftsmeister or cold fish that the article stereotyped her as. Truth is, she’s probably been all those things to you- and more- over the years. She’s complex. And, so are you, which is a good thing.
People are not Polaroids
Quick- call up a picture of your mom in your mind. I’m betting that your picture is not the way she actually looks today. We tend to hold mental pictures of the people we love, a snapshot of them at some point in our memory. We hold that picture of the person as the years pass without really adjusting it for aging or personal growth. You get used to thinking of your mom as controlling or judging when she might have resolved her issue long ago. Same with her. She may still see you as that cocky 14 year old who needs a little more protection from the world instead of the womanly bride you are.
People change. It’s more productive (and less anxious-making) to think of your mom as a video, changing and evolving, not a snapshot. Moving forward. Although it might not look like it, your mom is growing herself. I know I am. And, I think my daughter would say I am, too. I’m not the same mother or person I was 5 years ago. We were able to stop fighting once we each committed to to seeing the other as more complex in intentions, in feelings, in thoughts than before.
For example, if your mom is ‘the bully’ who insists on having final say, you can call her controlling and stiff-arm her. Resisting her every suggestion and making yourself miserable in the process. Or, you can broaden your view and consider:
- all the reasons-silly to serious- why she might be so acting to difficult
- a time when she acted exactly the opposite
- how you wanted to be treated when you acted like that
It’s very likely your feelings will shift away from angry or frustration to compassion as you think. Why? She’s your mama and she’s a human being like everyone else. Not perfect, just trying.
It’s Your Day, Still..
Yes, it’s your day, but make a little room for your mom. It’s her day too. She came to your school plays. Listened to the same joke endlessly when you were seven. And, ate the extra food on your plate so it wouldn’t go to waste. She’s probably the one person who has been waiting for and dreaming about your wedding day longer than you have!
Because if you build a wall and make the woman who loves you so feel like she’s an intruder in your wedding, well, that’s really behaving badly.
