This ain’t your usual Monday Musing. Sure, I’m sharing one of my favorite quotes by someone I greatly admire. It’s also my way of introducing an important practice that could really change the wedding community. Read on and, please tell me what you think.
You did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.~ Maya Angelou
I came across what seems like a universal issue for wedding planners- someone being less than honest while seeking info to start their own wedding business. So many people on the forum had their own bad experiences with people pretending to be brides to get pricing and other important information. There were lots of suggestions ranging from- forget it to let her have it -and everything in-between.
Because of my non-violent communications work I wanted to offer a different perspective. Here’s what I wrote:
First, so sorry you had this experience. It’s obviously been hurtful to you, and thankfully, you had a place to bring those feelings. Reading through the wonderful posts, I heard two thoughts: let it go and go get her. What if there was a graceful way to do both?
There is a way to do that and actually model something important for this person. While I am not condoning her behavior in any way, I’m not so quick to judge her either. In my experience as a mediator, people are deceptive when they either: don’t know how to do better or fear the result of being honest. I’m guessing this person didn’t want to be deceitful but was really unsure of how to accomplish her goals otherwise. Certainly there are bad people out there, but as someone who has spent 18 years dealing with people who misbehave when stuck, it seems like she didn’t know how to do better. And, as Maya Angelou reminds me, ‘when I knew better, I did better’.
This could be your opportunity to be a thought leader and improve the wedding community. So many folks had a story to share about experiencing someone similar this has to be an issue for the community. Wouldn’t it be great if we could model the behavior, i.e. honest communication, relationship-building, and trust, we’d like to see in others? Someone has to start…how about you!
You can send her a note that’s neutral, honest and offers sincere guidance. Your note was tactful but you might agree some sarcasm and hostility leaked out. That’s why you posted it here first, isn’t it? Responding kindly lets you rock her world (and let her know you’re not a pushover). Sure, I realize some folks will disagree with spending your energy here. I kind think of it this way. If you don’t stick up for you, who will? And, you’re already spending energy dwelling on the problem. why not spend as much on the solution.
Best way to do it is straight out. No hiding behind passive-aggressive stuff. Own your words. Tell her:
- what you observed, the details around her IP adress – clarifies what you’re talking about and gives her a chance to offer her version
- what it felt like for you/how it impacted you- some folks have no idea how their actions ‘land’ in the world until you tell them. And, it feels good to speak your truth doesn’t it?
-what you’d like to see in the future should she interact with you- be specific and realistic in telling her how she could regain your trust (if you’re open to that) or interact with you (because you’re gonna see her again).
For me, the best feeling is knowing I acted within my values and did my best to reach out, even when someone else doesn’t. After all, you can’t control other people, just yourself. Nice thing is, paying it forward works. You never know what kindness will appear in your life because you were willing to help her.
Ok, that’s a lot of talk. I hope you don’t think I’m lecturing you-just wanted to share what I know to help. Just earlier today I was talking with colleagues about doing a training session on non-violent communication. Then I find this topic. Crazy huh? Must be the universe talking to me. Anybody interested in that?
Lemme know if you decide to go ahead and send a note. I’d be more than happy to give it a peek before you send it, if you want. I promise no red pen 
Warmly, Dina
PS This seems like a universal issue so I hope you won’t mind if I talk about it on my blog.
I may be wrong, I know. I’m relatively new to the wedding community, however, there’s this sense of people being unwilling or afraid to tell other people when behaviors are bad or when the poop hits the fan. There’s a lot of unspoken tension around. Emotions are like water in that they are never truly gone, they just change form. Water goes from solid to steam to condensation… Emotions flow from disappointment to resentment to bitterness and beyond.
Learning to teach people how to treat you and speak about what’s true for you is essential, in my view, to a good business, and frankly, a happy life. People, that includes me, have got to be willing to be thought leaders. To say, in a kind but firm way, which behaviors benefit the field, which don’t, and how to get from being intuitively skilled to consciously competent communicators. I’m not lecturing or preaching. I’m just saying life and business would be better for all if we could be clearer and more honest with each other.
My ideas are different and possibly a little threatening, I know. Those who get the common sense and value of what I’m offering- love it. Those who don’t, I’m cool with that; I’m an educator who believes in diversity in thought.
Let me know what you think. Could the wedding community relate to its own better?
The idea is to write it so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart.~ Maya Angelou
