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5 Common Myths about Wedding Mediators
by Dina Lynch Eisenberg
Weddings are wonderful, but families and friends can make the planning experience hell on wheels. That’s why I decided to share my talents as a conflict expert with brides who want the planning to be as much fun as the wedding.
Recently, I came across an article on the web that suggests that pre-marital counseling is a better alternative than wedding mediation. Of course, the writer is entitled to her opinion, but I wanted to clear up a few misunderstandings about what mediation is and how it can really benefit you.
Answers to common myths
It’s the bride’s day. She can do whatever she wants and everyone must go along.
Let’s start with the biggest myth. Yes, as a bride your wedding day is all yours. You’ve found someone special to share your future with. However, you’re not the only one who is excited, has long-awaited expectations and is emotionally involved with how the event unfolds. Your family, especially, your parents have waited even longer for this day. The people who have loved and supported you have needs and desires that need to be acknowledged, even if you can’t (or won’t) honor their wishes. You can’t just say ‘that’s tough’ and then expect that your relationships won’t change as a result.
A wedding mediator can guide you to finding a good way to listen and respond that respects others and still meets your own goals. A pre-marital therapist might help you deal with your emotions about your mom who wants you to wear her dress or Grandpa who wants to invite all his drinking buddies. But will she be skilled enough to coach you to find the exact words to say to explain or how to negotiate a solution? Probably not.
Using a mediator implies you’re not capable of handling things on your own.
Everyone is into DIY these days which is great. Doing it yourself comes with challenges. Let me ask you this: if you wanted to dance a beautiful tango as your first dance, wouldn’t you go to a dancing instructor to learn how to do it? Absolutely, you would. A wedding mediator is an expert who can teach you how to talk so someone else will listen, and hopefully, do as you ask. Investing an hour learning to communicate better will definitely help you deal with family and friends more easily. And, the bonus is you’ll be prepared to handle hubby, too.
A wedding is a family event not a business deal that needs someone to reach compromise
Actually, every relationship is based on an agreement that’s like a social contract. You agree to behave a certain way towards your parents and perhaps a different way towards your fiancé, and another way with your friends. While you probably didn’t sit down and discussion it directly, these personal agreements have rules, boundaries and consequences. And, there is plenty of negotiation and compromise (think about the last time you made plans to go out to dinner). A mediator can introduce you to different tools and strategies for compromise and collaboration that will make planning your wedding (and your life) less stressful and happier.
This is not something for outsiders
Some people say it’s best to not air your dirty laundry. And, if you feel that way than maybe mediation isn’t for you. However, a wedding mediator is trained to create a safe, neutral space for you to confidentially share your thoughts and concerns without judgment or agenda that you might not find anyplace else. The focus is on you and finding a holistic solution.
It’s just another expense
Yes, a wedding is definitely an expensive project with lots of little expenses along that way that really add up. It’s natural to want to save money. You just don’t want to be ‘pound-wise and penny-foolish’ about it. The hour you spend with a wedding mediator is one of your best savings in terms of stress, aggravation and worry. Consider these intangible costs:
• Sleepless nights worrying about the budget
• Fights with your mother over the guest list size
• Anxiety about negotiating with vendors
• Worry about friends and family
In plain dollars and cents, you’ll probably spend more on your shoes or lingerie than the services of a good wedding mediator, which range from under $100 up to $500. What you receive is priceless: A stress-free wedding that you remember for a lifetime
Try Wedding Mediation
Wedding mediation is a little like Twitter. First, no one knew what it was; then, people thought it was unnecessary. Now, people everywhere have embraced it. Savvy brides who want to enjoy planning as much as their wedding day will try and benefit from bridal coaching. What have you got to lose except the drama?
Frequently Asked Questions about working with a Wedding Mediator
What is a Thinking Session?
A thinking session is a private meeting with me by phone or in-person. It’s your time to share your thoughts, concerns, questions and fears around your wedding. In this 60 minute session, we’ll get to the heart of what matters and find ways for you to say what you need in a way others can hear and respect. If you want, we’ll even practice! You can have one or several sessions.
Who can benefit from a Thinking Session?
Just about anyone involved with your wedding can benefit: bride, groom, mother of the bride (or groom) family members or vendors.
What is Wedding Mediation?
Mediation is a way for people in disagreement to talk to each other and find answers. Meeting with you and others you select, I facilitate your conversations, adding clarity, highlighting new information and agreements, and helping everyone work together to find a fresh perspective, and hopefully, a solution. Mediations include a private, initial meeting with each side, run two hours and can be held in-person or by phone.
What’s the difference between a wedding mediator and planner?
Both professionals are dedicated to assisting you to have your dream wedding. While a planner focuses on the details of the wedding, a mediator focuses on the emotions and relationships. A planner helps you with the mechanics while a mediator helps you with the people, preserving your sanity and the relationships that matter.
Is it therapy?
No, neither the Thinking Session or Wedding mediation is therapy or counseling. Mediation is a forward-looking remedy that looks at the current situation, not the past, to find a solution. I’m a seasoned mediator with over 17 years of experience helping people resolve differences of opinion and perspective.
How much does it cost?
Thinking Sessions and Wedding Mediation is surprisingly affordable when compared with traditional wedding costs. Services range from under $100 to up to $500, depending on the service needed. You’ll spend more on your flowers than it costs to get some peace of mind.
What outcome can I expect?
I like to say that you’ll leave feeling better than when you arrived, calmer and more hopeful. Clients say they appreciate getting a fresh perspective, learning tools to deal with people and being empowered to say what matters.
What kind of issues?
Just about any issue can be discussed in a Thinking Session. While I won’t help you decide whether to get married, I can help you sort out your emotions, grow compassion and empathy with your friends and family and find creative solutions to wedding woes.
What to expect and how to prepare?
Once you book and pay for your Thinking Session, you’ll receive a short questionnaire to help us get started. Then, we’ll schedule a date and time by email and get started. To get prepared for your session, think about:
- What is the real issue?
- What is most important to you about that?
- How would you ideally like to see things resolved?
Why Work with Dina?
A couple of good reasons. I’ve been where you are. I planned a destination and at home wedding so I know what it’s like to juggle family, vendors and your fiancé. I’ve worked with all types of people and disputes from corporate to community to personal, including Coca Cola Enterprises, Bose ,the Rockefeller Foundation. It’s been my pleasure to guide over 1000 people to be better communicators and conflict resolvers. And, apparently, I’m good because I was honored as a Peacemaker and named one of the 40 best business leaders by the Boston Business Journal.
Next steps
Ready to book your Session? Good for you. While we’re still setting up our shopping cart, you can email me here . Still deciding? No pressure. Why not join the free Thinking Session I host once a month? You can see if this is right for you while learning from the experiences of brides just like you. Sign up here
