A conversation is supposed to be about sharing information. But, truthfully, when was the last time you had a conversation with a client or colleague where you really felt like you shared? It probably was more like a tug-of-war with each person striving to have her point of view heard and validated. Imagine a cartoon strip with two people talking, each with a bubble over their her reading, ‘Blah, blah, blah’.
Is there a Better Way to Talk?
I meant to be funny. Really, though. It’s true. We don’t really talk to each other, so much as, broadcast in the right direction. I’m thinking what happens at my house at the end of the day. It’s probably what happens at yours, too.
My hubby visits me, while I start dinner, hitting the highlights of his day. This happened. This happened. Then, this. After, that. Kinda like ticking off a checklist. Then I do the same. We’re talking but not really relating, which is the essential part of the whole sharing of information thing. What’s missing is relating to each other, the rich exploration of the details. Like, how did he feel? What did that mean to him? What did he want? You know, the juicy bits of emotion, insights and compassion that flavor our conversations.
Note- I should say right here and now- my hubby and I have great conversations with loads of relating. And, sometimes we don’t. Being a communication expert doesn’t mean I don’t make my fair share of talk bombs. Just means I know when I’m stinking up the joint.
Anyway, none of us were taught how to have conversations. You learned just like I did by watching the way others talked. It worked, right. Well, as it turns out there is a way to have a better conversation.
Harvard did a study of over 1000 conversations and concluded that all conversations have three elements in them: acknowledgment( demonstrating understanding), advocacy (advancing your point of view) and inquiry (asking about another’s point of view).This fascinated me.
I plan to devote a whole post to these components and what they mean, but for now I’ll share what I think is the most important lesson. You need a balance of all three elements to have a learning conversation. That’s a conversation where you learn about the other person’s perspective, inquire about their interests, acknowledge emotions and common goals. You know, you begin to understand.
And, what’s so cool about that is understanding is the basis of trust. That’s essential for the kind of personal, highly charged work you do as a wedding professional and I do was a bridal coach.
Here’s your challenge: Track how many of your conversations are balanced and learning over the next week.
PS Wanna hear more about using learning conversations with your contract discussions. You’re in luck! That Brideability Summit is today! Register right now
