Brides are first-timers, for the most part. They have no idea how to work effectively with you as their partner or how to make what seem like milestone decisions. It’s your job to help your bride decide, but not in the way you might think, though. Let me explain.
Be the Leader
Yes, you. You are the expert. You can shape not only your bride’s wedding day, but her experience of planning, too. There’s a saying that says most people are quietly waiting to be lead. That’s YOUR bride waiting for YOU.
Take the time at the beginning of your relationship to ask her how she feels about taking responsibility for her decisions (the dread of making a wrong choice is probably what’s keeping her on the fence). Explain how you like to either make decisions yourself or encourage your brides to think, or both! Explain to her the ways you can help her make decisions and ask what works best for her. (Couple of ideas: brainstorming, asking why and why not gently; discussing what happens if no decision is made, etc)
My brother-in-law once called me to help his wife pick colors for their new master bedroom addition. For weeks, she’d been stuck sighing, ‘Gee, I just don’t know’. And, that was true. She didn’t know what she wanted, but she did know what she DIDN’T want. So, we spent a few hours saying no to colors before arriving at a short list of yes colors. Women who are normally decisive can become so overwhelmed with wedding details that they suffer from decision fatigue.
Find out up front when and what kind of help your bride might need from you around decision-making while planning her wedding. How do you do that? Come on, you know what I’m going to say- ASK. Something like:
It’s just amazing how many decisions go into planning a wedding. I’ve worked with so many brides and it’s natural to have some trouble making up your mind from time to time. Off the top of your head, are there any decisions you think you might have trouble with? Ok, what do you want me to do to help you get unstuck?
Ease her Pain
That was the question on a trivia game the other night, ‘in what movie did the main character hear the words: ease his pain?* You gotta do the same for your bride. Look, she realizes she’s dithering and is embarrassed by it, whether she shows it or not. Don’t let her suffer in silence or alone. Bring up her case of the jitters gently. Out into the open, you can get a look at what’s driving her indecision and figure out a solution. Ask her something like:
I noticed on our last few meetings that you sometimes have a hard time choosing. Have you noticed that, too?
Sure, she might laugh a little, if she’s been especially pokey, and that’s a good thing. Humor helps! Just like sorrow, fear is lessened when it’s shared. Some wedding planners swear by setting deadlines. You know, while I definitely love deadlines I think they’re less effective in this situation. It’s a short term solution that treats the symptom, not the underlying issues.
Manage You
When you’ve got so many details to wrangle, and more weddings to coordinate, having a wavering bride might seem like torture. Excruciating, pulling-out-your-fingernails torture, I know. I didn’t always have the patience of Job. Mine grew from years of stretching myself to see the other person’s perspective, weaknesses, challenges and strengths. When you realize that we all have tough times and flaws, even someone like you LOL, it gets easier to be compassionate.
You, my dear, are the vessel into which your bride pours her hopes and dreams. Do whatever it takes to keep your vessel clean, bright and ready to receive. So, take up yoga. Go jogging. Read vampire novels (oops, that’s me). Whatever it takes for you to recharge your batteries. If you can’t take care of you, you can’t take care of anyone else, either.
What advice would you give a newbie planner about handling indecisive brides?
PS This conversation naturally leads to a negotiation of sorts, around how to interact and what your respective roles are. If I was you, I’d definitely take advantage of the free preview call I’m hosting on the 29th- 3 Massive Mistakes Wedding Pros Make Negotiating that Keep Them Overworked, Underpaid and Looking Unprofessional- with negotiation expert, Moshe Cohen. It’s bound to ‘sell out’ so register now!
* The answer to the trivia question is: Field of Dreams with Kevin Costner
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Dina,
not all brides are indecisive and meek to the point of actually appreciating a WP who leads (read: STEERS). Similarly, not all brides can be pushed to take a decision just because time is running out. And, no, many women aren’t afraid of making a mistake… rather, they can’t take a decision because they don’t like any of the alternatives that the so-called professional is proposing.
And the pain you refer to, the one you see in the eyes of so many brides, is because we are DOG TIRED of asking the aforementioned professional for what we want just to be informed that it either is “impossible”, “unfeasible” or “unheard of”. If I’d rather go with no cake than giving up on crystal chandeliers it’s none of your business. Just get it done with, that’s why I’m paying! It sure doesn’t deserve any more humor than a WP would when s/he tries to pretend s/he didn’t get what the bride said JUST to give it another go at steering LMAO
I’ve ditched many wedding planners because they tried to steer me and boss me into behaving and playing the “little meek blushing bride” part or because they use inappropriate humor.
So I’m not sure this post you’ve just etched actually helps a planner unless what s/he needs help with is bossing people around.
Most brides are women who have hopes and dreams but also determination and sheer impatience when faced with lame behaviors such as the ones you suggested.
No doctor, lawyer, CPA or even hotel manager would suggest “steering” a client, so I can’t fathom why in this industry nobody screams whenever this nonsense is uttered.
Hey Rosana,
Hey thanks for sharing your perspective. You know, i don’t think I said all brides or all WPs. My point, in case you missed it, was that being the leader is about being willing to take charge and help a bride decide. Ask not steer. Even in the most collaborative process someone has to lead. So sorry you had what sounds like a frustrating experience.