Today’s question was plucked straight from real life and one I bet just about every planner has faced one time or another.  Here’s what the poster said:

How to keep the peace and reach a compromise between Groom and Brides’ parents on a interfaith wedding.

Need Suggestions: Groom wants a catholic ceremony at the church and (grooms parents don’t care) and bride’s parents don’t want to have two ceremonies on same day. The Venue has already been reserved for both ceremony and reception. Groom is not compromising…everyone else is on board but him..any suggestions? Ideas?

Here’s my response:

Hi , I’m sure you’ve tried talking with the groom already. It might be that he hasn’t clearly articulated for you (or himself) why this is so important to him. Can you sit with him again and ask him these clarifying questions:

• When you think of your ceremony being in a church, what comes to mind for you? Which feelings, wishes or dreams?
• Can you help me understand what being married in the church will mean to you in terms of the wedding, your marriage or your faith?
• If your interests are [insert his interests], can you think of any way to meet those and still satisfy the bride’s family?
• What are you willing to do?
• What do you think could happen if this isn’t resolved?
• Can you imagine what this feels like or might mean for your bride or new in-laws?

The purpose isn’t so much to find a compromise (which means he only gets half of what he wants) but to identify his true needs and meet the most important ones. I can imagine that he might want the solemnity of the Catholic ceremony or that he won’t feel married unless he says I do in a church. You won’t know how to resolve this until you understand more about what he needs. He probably won’t be able to shift until he had a chance to think of his best alternatives. That’s where you come in- helping him brainstorm new options.

—end response–

With the poster’s kind permission, I wanted to continue the discussion here.  Here are a few things to keep in mind.

1. Don’t borrow trouble. Your couple came to you for your expertise in wedding planning,  however, you’re not responsible for their interpersonal issues or family squabbles.  Stay neutral and use your best listening/questioning skills to guide them towards finding their own solutions.  Sure, brainstorm options but don’t let them push you to make their decisions.  That rarely works.  Because if it’s not their idea then who do you think will get the blame if it doesn’t work?
2. Don’t take sides. Easier said than done, I know.  You’re probably working closely with the bride so, of course, you feel more comfortable with her.  Remember that girl rule about not talking bad about another girlfriend’s guy?  Same thing applies here.  Side with her against him and you run the risk of being the mistrusted outsider when they make up.
3. Do show each side the big picture. Getting angry or frustrated short-circuits our thinking and we get stuck.  This groom probably didn’t think past the fact that he wants a church wedding.  When you come to an impasse, encourage each side to imagine what will happen if the issue isn’t resolved.   Then discuss what benefits await if they are willing to compromise.  That tends to make folks a little more open to creating a better future.

What’s your best peacemaker move?

Tagged as: ceremony, disagareement, interfaith wedding