Eons ago, I got to spend a few weeks traveling around Europe after law school. It was a very indulgent treat I gave myself for three years of pretty monastic life. My buddies (fellow graduates) and I had more adventures than I care to remember, including the night we caused such a row in the streets of Stratford-on-Avon ( in the British countryside) I thought we’d be jailed. Anyway, an article I read in Oprah’s magazine reminded me of that trip.
Traveling for six weeks straight in several foreign countries, I kinda felt like I was living the American dream. You know, back packing through Europe staying at youth hostels. Except at we stayed at B&Bs and there were no backpacks. I started off exhilarated by each new thing I saw. Just truly thrilled by the joy of it all. How could I possibly be so lucky to have this opportunity, I wondered.
Little by little though, I got tired. Oddly enough, it wasn’t the big things that got me like misreading train station signs. Or constantly having to adjust to new local customs. I got through those fine. My friends- not so much. What eventually tired me out was the little things. Not being able to use the public phone, if I found one. Leaving the country with coins I’d never use again. Not sleeping on my own pillow. A trip that I’d lovingly planned for weeks, anticipated with joy, and truly obsessed over made me feel tired, anxious and ready to go home. Reading the Oprah article on compassion fatigue reminded me that even something you love and are committed to can eventually become stressful.
The article, which focuses on medical caregivers, somehow it made me think of you. Wedding planner extraordinaire and someone who cares very deeply about your bride and her wedding. Just like those caregivers, you have constant demands on your time, energy and patience. You wade through the stress and frustrations with optimism and good cheer.
What doctors are discovering, but you may not know yet, is that all that empathy and loving can take its toll as compassion fatigue. You simply don’t have anything left to give- all worn out. You feel resentful, angry and want to avoid all things wedding.
Personally, I would’ve called that burnout. However, there’s a distinction. Burnout happens when you get tired of the operational stresses like making the seating chart or ordering the linens. Compassion fatigue happens when you take on the emotional issues of your bride. It’s taking her stress and making it your own. And, honestly what wedding professional hasn’t done that at some time or another.
The message on just about every wedding consultant or designer site I see is: I take away stress so you have a perfect day. Am I wrong? No. So what are you doing with all that extra stress? May I make a suggestion? SELF CARE
Countless times I told my students that mediators are vessels for hope. I really believe that but it took me years to realize that along with hope I was often holding rage, indignation, shame, panic and more for my clients. Mediating, like planning, isn’t something you drop at the end of the day. What happens during the day lingers on. That’s why being able to empty my vessel became so important. Each day I’d have less to offer than the day before unless I recharged.
I learned to love pedicures. And, I get at least one massage a month. These are business necessities. Really.
Find your own way to empty your vessel. And don’t feel guilty. You can’t take care of others if you don’t first care for yourself. You’ll have nothing to offer. Oh, if you’re not into mani/pedis, the article also suggests these ways to be self-caring:
- Meditation- it reduces depression and boost patience and empathy
- Journaling- writing helps to empty the vessel
- Mindfulness- focus your total attention and senses on one task like walking (feel your feet, shoes, the ground)
- Connect- good company doubles your joys and half your worries as the saying goes
The wedding community is known for keeping a stiff upper lip, not sharing how challenging this work can be. I wonder if that’s useful. Wouldn’t we all be happier if we could support each other through the low moments instead of pretending they don’t exist?
Let me know what you do for you to beat caring fatigue in the comments, willya?
